I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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