new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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