I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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