I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
