One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
