who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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