You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We need to get me chipped asap
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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