Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
