Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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