If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
