I wish you could order shots online.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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