i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
