May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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