I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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