you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
