his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
