I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
