Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I am mentally ready for anal.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
