I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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