Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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