Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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