just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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