I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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