im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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