Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
