I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
