When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
