I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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