I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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