That's when you crack a 10am beer
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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