I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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