My friends, they love my intelligence
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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