Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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