How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
