ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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