I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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