I wish I could teleport
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
