I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
