she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
