I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
