pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
