I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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