The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
