the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Randomize
