Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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