I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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