After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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