its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
