If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My ATM looks so different sober.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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