So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
