Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
